Tuesday, March 30, 2010


I’ve been thinking about family lately. Since Logan was placed into my arms on his beautiful day of birth, I feel like a different person. I feel like a better version of myself. When I ask myself who I am, the first word that comes to mind is mother. I have this little person who depends on me for his well being and it is incredibly fulfilling.

I can shape who he becomes, this precious soul is in the care of my hands, my morals, my manners, my traditions and my love. Boy, do I have a lot of love to give. Sometimes I feel as though I’m in need of a bigger heart when it is about to burst out of me. It’s as if my longing for a baby over the last 3 years just accumulated and in the instant I heard Logan come into this world with a cry I knew my heart had been rescued from the hurt and pain of Gavin’s passing.

Dave and I became our own little family with Gavin’s birth and I will forever be thankful for the 8 weeks he was in our arms. He will always remain our angel who now has another family member to watch over, his younger brother Logan. Sometimes I let my mind wander and imagine how Gavin would have slipped into the big brother role and in a few years how they would have really played together. How Gavin from time to time would have wanted to be a baby again like Logan and wanted me to hold him or wanted a binkie like Logan. How seeing them side by side would have made my heart feel.

The road to where our family is today may have had some bumps along the way, but it is not what happens to you that makes you who you are. Its how you reflect on the lesson to be learned and how you handle the heartache to come through to the other side. I feel like I’ve done that. There’s no longer a big wall I’m constantly trying to climb over. I can still see the beauty in life and know how every single day is a gift to be cherished. I have let go of the unanswered questions, the sleepless nights spent crying, the lingering images of the early morning I said my final words to Gavin and most of all I have let go of the overwhelming pain my heart felt for so long.
There are moments in life that stand still and are imprinted in our minds. I am thankful for the many that I have. The moment, about a year ago, my heart skipped a beat as I looked down on the white pee-stick and saw two pink lines and right there in the bathroom stall at a movie theater I did a little happy dance. The smiles on my friends faces as I told them I was expecting. The giddy sound in my sister’s voice as we spoke about being pregnant together. The incredibly warm embrace Dave gave me after seeing said pee-stick. The day we found out we were having another boy. The day that boy became Logan Alexander. The day of his birth, filled with joy and perfection and the first words I said to him “I love you…I’m your Mom.”

1 comment:

  1. Jess, once again, fighting back tears... it happens everytime I read you write about the journey you've been on since Gavin passed. I too have flashes of what life would have been like if Camden were still here, and wonder when I will finally find the kind of peace you have found. Kiersten has helped move that process along though incredibly. You and Dave are so blessed. Our family is blessed. And I'm blessed to have an amazing sister like you! I love you guys! Hugs & kisses to Logan from his aunt Jeanette =)